And I am fucking ready for it all!
I recently had the incredible privilege of shooting with the delightful and talented Alan H Bruce in a beautiful sun-lit loft in San Diego. This recent trip was my version of a 'vacation' - three nights away from LA, spending time with family and my secret husband, and of course a loaded schedule and eagerness to spend every minute possible on my laptop, digitally conquering the world. Plus, you know, a couple shoots thrown in for good measure. A vacation! .. I may be doing this wrong ..
All my usual bullshit goes out the window however (or at least it SHOULD) when the universe reminds me of the pain, and the reward, that results from new chapters in our life. Breaking through is ugly. Breaking through is HARD. And breaking through is also insanely, incredibly, indescribably beautiful.
There's a certain magic to abandoned places.
I am doing my godamn damnest to find faith through my fear, in all of my abandoned places. And honey, there's a lot of them.
"Hello Jin," I whispered into my folded arms, my hands clutching around my sides, feeling my quivering ribs beneath my desperate fingers. "It's OK Jin," I hold myself and try not to cry, try to just breathe into the moment, to tap into the infinite joy that exists, always, in the stillness of the present. "I love you, Jin," the tears well up regardless, my words come out choked and broken, and they sound completely foreign to my ears. Had I ever said them before..? Had I truly almost-reached 30 and never once told myself how much I mean to me? How beautiful I am? How strong and proud and determined and wonderfully, shatteringly human I am? I've shouted it from digital rooftops, I've screamed it in laughing faces and graffitied it on walls under cover of night.. but have I ever said any of it to Myself??
"I love you, Jin."
So I'm sitting here in my bed, in my beautiful LA home, having just seen off the incredible Boston-based model/unicorn Collibrina who brought her unique, awesome, New-York-Jew/Bright-Light into my life, and I've got my mint tea and my uber chill music, my darling little lap desk set up and this GORGEOUS photo set to share.. and I want to write something prophetic and inspiring and enlightening and oh so so honest to go along with it..
Let's face it; It's a pretty fucking anxious time.
Jin N Tonic here..
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