Day Tres - The Journey to El Gastor (El Gastor, Spain)

Today is Sunday, and the travel day to the yoga retreat, and here in Spain it is also Mother's Day - which apparently isn't a set day worldwide, which makes sense when you think about it, I just never had. Mother's Day in Spain is also just a wee bit different, as it's a crazily Catholic country, and Catholics are super into THEE Mother aka The Virgin Mary. Either way, you should call your Mama and say GRACIAS.

From very early today my world has been full of challenges. In this book, "When Things Fall Apart;" which is becoming both invaluable to me and also so spot on the nose that I'm thinking I need to STOP reading it, as it seems everything I read then comes true; it talks about recognizing the people who are sent into your life as gifts, especially when they create in you Not The Best Feelings. Those people arrive to help you with the things you need to work on, like for myself, my Patience, my Kindness, and my Flexibility. And how truly grand of the universe to send me just the right scenario to test all of those things!

​What a gift, according to the book, that I didn't have to DO anything, to have all my lesser traits tested. And from very early on today, they have been...

​On the surface today was a BEAUTIFUL day in a BEAUTIFUL country surrounded by BEAUTIFUL people. But inside I have been a sea of raging, semi-negative emotions. I don't people well. And finding myself "trapped" in very intimate situations with a number of personalities has been absolutely exhausting for me.

To be clear, they're all wonderful, and again, superficially I've had a wonderful time. I got to see a LOT of Malaga today, almost entirely by accident, and the drive through the mountains to El Gastor, and then later to our Eco-Resort just "up the hill," was nothing short of unbelievable. I also had a lengthy pause in town at a bustling cafe with another of the students who was nothing but fun and interesting - but to be honest the absolute best part of my day was, when after two hours more our group finally returned to said cafe and sat down to eat, I went on my own adventure exploring the town.

Through the narrow, winding, cobbled streets I encountered a couple fathers, neighbors, playing Futbol (football aka soccer everywhere in the world but the states) with their kids. I passed a lemon tree and picked one so I can add lemon slices to my water throughout the week, and I made my way to the edge of the town, where I found a small stone table to sit upon and stretch and meditate and SMILE and have short, confusing conversations with the jovial old Spanish men who walked by on the other side of the plaza, canes in hand, to make their way up the steep hills to another patio, to sit and to drink and to smoke and to talk with other locals, more men and equally lively women who have also grown up in these mountains and whom they consider as much family as their own.

just a gurl and her lemon

The beautiful garden with the strolling paths, shady trees, and stone tables and benches where I found myself was up some steep steps (mandatory to anywhere in El Gastor) and the landscaped area was situated on top of a building with the word "Tanatorio" on it. It was one of those things that I noticed, and even semi-remembered, but to me had no meaning at the time. It wasn't until later today, while driving back to the resort once again after our entire group had had dinner back in town, I asked one of our hosts - Que significa Tanatorio?***

Looking back at today, it is So Fucking EASY for me to find a million things to bitch about. I don't mean it, I am so overwhelmed with joy at being here, but bitching is just something I've learned to do so as to not explode. I used to keep everything entirely bottled in, and in doing so I found myself in situations and in a life that wasn't healthy, and I ultimately crashed and burned. So, Jin bitches. A LOT. And jin bitches just to bitch so that it doesn't sit inside her and fester. But honestly, how negative is that still?? Especially when I'm on this incredible trip that I WON and for which the travel expenses have nearly all been DONATED to me? And then sitting in the car alongside these two beautiful women, Karen and Rua, our yoga instructors, who have clearly worked so hard for months and months and who must be so. tired., in preparation to create an amazing, relaxing, and enlightening week for all of us - what kind of person would that make me to bitch about that? To focus on such incredibly trivial things?

I'm trying to be better, and I'm trying to just enjoy the "forced" company ie the gifts sent to me by the universe in people form - they really are all quite beautiful and so nice - and I'll make sure to keep finding my quiet moments away so that I can regroup and come back with more of "me" available to give to others in return. And if Trying To People becomes more than I have to offer (which very nearly happened today, as I spent the majority of our group meditation convinced that I had nothing left in me to make it to dinner), should it be too much, I will simply say so with Honesty and Respect, and I will respect myself for knowing my own limits.

I don't think that this week is the week to run away from challenges though, even those challenges as simple as making small talk with someone new for a very long time. And hence I pushed myself, and went to dinner, and officially met everyone, which of course I'm very glad I did. (In our group, should you be curious, we have our two instructors, myself, six other students, and our two hosts from the beautiful resort where we are staying. It's truly a diverse, fun, and wonderful group that I will make every effort to enjoy more sincerely tomorrow.)

The universe has put me right where I need to be, and I can either run away from these emotions, literally and mentally and verbally, or I can "Lean into" them, and explore just why I am filled with so make impatience, so much judgment, so much annoyance and bitterness and resentment and deeper still so much HATRED, and I will do my best to accept myself for who I am, to forgive myself, to explore myself, and to little by little help to change myself. But for now HOLY FUCK I'm so exhausted in so many ways - my spanish has become terrible and even my English I no longer recognize! I'm basically a delirious floating ball of some kind of tomato soup of which I've eaten plenty of, as it was the only vegan option I could seem to encounter all day.

Good night my sweets, from the sweet mountains of Spain. They have lots of stars out here, I wish you could see it. 
​
XoXo
jin

​*** "Tanatorio," as explained by one of our darling hosts, Antonio, is the building in which, after someone dies, they are ceremoniously laid out, so that their friends and family and neighbors who they leave behind can come to visit, to pay respects, and to mourn.