Day 4 - The Yoga Begins!

Today was another example of an incredible day, surrounded by amazing people and beautiful places and things, and somehow internally I was and am still a cynical bitch. It really was an amazing day, which started before dawn (perhaps that's the beginning of the cynicism right there..) and began surrounded by fairy tale mountains and yoga and a gorgeous sunrise and the weirdest toaster I've ever seen.

​We went on a hike, which has never been my favorite, up to an overlook from which you can see the entire valley, and the three different pueblos blancos - white villages - nestled here in the hills. It was, of course, gorgeous.

We also got our asses kicked on the hike by an older, local couple. All of us. By a couple in their late 50s or 60s. Kicked our asses up that hill. Passed ALL of us.

One of the incredible other yoga students, Sabine - a total rockstar hot mama from Belgium - while looking down over hundreds of miles of beautiful trees, olive orchards, tiny winding roads, tinier cars, and the slow pace of life below, verbalized that you could feel it in the air - There's just no stress here.

I can see for miles and miles a- I mean kilometers and kilometers and kilometers . . .

Me being Me, though, I don't think that that sentence has ever applied to my life. 

​Have I mentioned that I just don't people well..? For some reason I feel as though I'm like the young one here, which technically I think I am, but I'm a lot later in my 20s then I care to type and I'm an adult dammit - there's no reason for me to feel like this child that everyone is keeping an eye on or irritated by.

I don't know where that stems from, but it has me second guessing myself a lot. I suppose I've lost myself a little bit, being in such an intimate group of strangers from all over the world. I'm still very much me, but I walk away feeling like they'll be talking about me later, or that I've upset my instructors in some way.

So that's some fun middle school bullshit. 
​
Another issue that came up today, and is the cause of I'd say 98% of the stress in the world, was money related. And yes, I know, how quickly I forget lessons that life insists on teaching me every day. It turns out that when budgeting and crowdfunding for this trip, that the certain items that weren't included (such as a private room instead of a double bunk, please and thank you), had their prices listed in pounds, NOT euros. Of course I just saw the funny symbol and FUCKING ASSUMED that it was euros.

Life works best when you never assume anything. Another lesson I'm taught almost daily, but seem to not retrain long enough to ever actually apply it.

So my costs due to these fabulous ladies increased to literally, coincidentally, exactly all the cash that I have right now. And you'll recall from The Worst Case Scenario journal entry on my first day in Spain - that I don't currently have a debit card, and the cash moneygram-ed to me by my assistant is all that I have in the world right now.

I'll of course be able to have more wired to me once I am again in a real civilization (haha, that sounds rude, this place is wonderful, but there isn't a western union for hundreds of miles, and only one ATM that I'm pretty sure is run on donkey power a couple hours a day), but what a terrible feeling! To have no money at all, and only the hope that you'll be able to find a business at some point, some where, in the future, to receive more *hopefully*?

The instructors are so incredibly sweet though, and have gone through a LOT of bullshit with their own finances setting up this retreat, so their sympathies are sincere.

Plus, remember how everything will work out? This very evening after discovering my costs had increased, I checked my email and got a new booking in Paris, France for exactly the amount extra I now owe.

So there. I guess.

One thing I have discovered about my life, is that I like to break even. Whatever I need, the universe happens to send, which SHOULD be awesome, especially considering all the cool things I get to do, but this breaking even means me living so cheaply, and in such uncertainty, and never having anything in a savings, which I suppose again SHOULD be ok, because if the universe just sends me what I need when I need it, it'll all work out anyway, right? 

But sometimes, just holy fuck that. One day I'd like to make an actual PROFIT. The universe though is still trying to remind me to cool the fuck down. And the beautiful part of the universe is that it has infinite means of sending those reminders.

​​​Not long after the price increase, followed by the work load increase, I got this text from my dear friend : 

​​And of course she's right.
​
But still . . . 

​ don't actually spend that much time making money. Or even modeling. Not when you look at the hours in the week, and practically nothing at all this year so far. So sure, it's not everything, but it still needs to be SOMETHING in my life.

​Of course, there's nothing I can really do about that here, in this exact moment, on top of an insanely beautiful mountain in the south of Spain, is there??

So I should probably just shut the fuck up and relax already!

​And just to be sure that I really let all of todays lessons sink in, my stoopid assistant (i'm kidding - he's amazing - the Jin N Tonic army wouldn't exist without him, the stoopid) posted this on fb :

If that isn't the damn truth.

So I'm going to SMILE because you are all amazing - my gofundme hit it's goal (!!!) and I HAVE been booking work here and there. As sporadic as it is, it's there, and I WILL have plenty more cash here very soon, and everything will be absolutely ok!

And to leave you with one last, very positive note at the end of this completely unwarranted bitchiness parade (and you PAID to read it to - BWAHAHA!), our VEGAN chef for the week, the incredible, bouncy, delightful Javier, arrived today and oh my god. Oh. My. Gawd. He brought AVOCADO from his GARDEN and made SOUP with COCONUT OIL because heating olive oil makes it bad for you or blahblahyadayadayada it doesn't matter it was AMAZING and he SINGS to the food so that it can be filled with love and you can be FILLED with LOVE by enjoying it.

The universe has sent me my vegan maestro de la cocina, and after one spoonful of that soup I asked him to come back with me to LA. We totally have a spare room.

So all is right in the world, and now I must sleep, as I have a sun I need to be up before.

Besos mis amores,
Jin