3/31/2017 0 Comments
There's a certain magic to abandoned places.
Pema Chodron speaks to me through her book, "When Things Fall Apart," (a gift from my incredible, light-filled and soon-to-be-married!!! acupuncturist Emily). She speaks of a wise man who once spent all night meditating in a hut, and in the corner came a cobra that sat and watched him, all night, ready to strike.
The man did not know if this cobra was real or merely just seen in his mind, but he spent the entire night tense, tight, and afraid for his life. When the morning came though, after a night staring eye to eye with his fear, his heart opened. He found compassion, and he slowly leaned forward and kissed the cobra, before falling beautifully, peacefully, fearlessly asleep.
But here's the thing : I often feel that I am that cobra.
I feel that I am the one consistently poisoning myself as I strike my own heart with bite after rapid, vicious, merciless bite. I feel that this cobra isn't just a part of me, that this cobra IS me.
THAT is what I fear.
And in my stronger moments.. I say FUCK that fear.
And in my kinder, softer, more compassionate, more open, more awake, more human moments, I sit calmly and quietly, and I love the fuck out of that fear. Because that fear is me. And I am determined to love me, with all the endless abandoned places I am filled with. I am visiting each of them, one by one, and I am facing my fears that live there, and I am rebuilding them all little homes of love and of faith. I am transforming the fears of my monsters into the faith that I am NOT my monsters. I have to.
My life depends on it.
And this shit is fucking hard.
I am pushing myself, and connecting daily to some serious self-propelled magic, voodoo, please-god-help-me, higher power, witchcraft, sacrifices of mind and soul kinda shiot, and I am reaching for it with everything I've got.
Because if I don't..
I'm going to end up a broken bottle in a forgotten building ...
And I am going to bring everyone I love down with me. I have to have faith that I am strong enough to rebuild who I am from the inside out. Without any proof at all, I have to KNOW that I can.
So I am facing my fears.
And I am loving my fears.
The vicious beasts that haunt me that are in the light of love nothing but scared kittens, all claws and fangs, but who want nothing more than to be held, to be seen, and to be loved.
Above all, I am loving me.
And I know that I can do this.
I'm taking a trip around the fucking world. And I'm sharing everything I've fucking got along the way. My body my mind my soul, my everything, I'm sharing it with the entire world dammit. And I'm doing all of it for no reason other than the fact that somewhere deep down inside, through the boarded up windows, behind the cobwebs and past the moving, breathing, shadows...
I fucking KNOW that I can.
I HAVE FAITH IN ME.
And I'm legit just pulling that faith outta my fucking ass.. but that's what faith is. It's power without proof; and total faith is totally unstoppable. I am building that faith every. damn. day. I can do this. (And so can you.)
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