So I'm sitting here in my bed, in my beautiful LA home, having just seen off the incredible Boston-based model/unicorn Collibrina who brought her unique, awesome, New-York-Jew/Bright-Light into my life, and I've got my mint tea and my uber chill music, my darling little lap desk set up and this GORGEOUS photo set to share.. and I want to write something prophetic and inspiring and enlightening and oh so so honest to go along with it..
And all I can think about is how friggen anxious I've been this past week, and how much of a bummer that is to even share.
Let's face it; It's a pretty fucking anxious time.
But I'm happy to be here, to be anxious, because it means that I am alive and that I just have so so much coming up (I truly do!) and that my body is saying, 'Hey Jin, you know what happens when you eat sugar and drink tequila every day for a week.. Let's let this go, huh?' So let's not talk about anxiety.
I'm letting it go, and I'm building better habits, and I'm focusing in every moment to just be more mindful, more present, and to just be indescribably joyous about being alive.
*You probably know the drill here, but the photos to come are quite NSFW*
Life is beautiful, and full of so many insanely incredible and overwhelmingly beautiful moments that, to poorly quote Jen Sincero in her absolutely life-affirming book, "You Are A Badass" the fact that we're not stumbling around in awe-stricken stupor about it is appalling.
And it's so true! Have you ever seen a sunset? Or a moon reflected on a lake? Or watched a parent hold their baby for the first time? Not to brag, but I have.
And it's those endless, beautiful moments that we should fill our minds with. Always.
Every text, audio, video, skywriting, whatever currently in existence on the topic of spirituality, self-improvement, enlightenment, blah blah blah - speaks to the power of living mindfully, of literally stopping to smell the roses, in every moment of our lives. To be present. To be Here.
This is certainly something I've had a good couple decades of practice NOT doing. All fear comes down to the root of our fear of death, and I have feared my own death since I was very, very small. My natural habit is incredibly far from mindful. I have a million thoughts running all at once, my mind is never where I physically am, but is consistently living in the past (aka depression) or in the future (aka anxiety). I am allowing myself to completely miss the GIFT that is the present.
If anything, I would say that I am very good at being Mind-FULL, sometimes to the point that it feels as though I am drowning. And so I'll turn on the TV, I'll have a glass or nine of wine, I'll sleep in through nineteen alarms even though there's so much that I would truly love to accomplish today - just to find some silence. Because running away from this current moment has become easier and less painful than sitting still, than hearing my own heart beat, than looking around at all the beauty and light filling my home and knowing that one day, it will all be gone.
One day, I will be gone.
I have some theories as to why I've "regressed" this past week and reverted to being such an anxious mess, but I won't bore you with them. I also will not allow myself to judge or criticize or shame myself for "failing" to be present, although clearly by my labels I have some work left to do. So I will do this work happily, every day, and in the meantime, perhaps I can start to utilize my "bad" habits to help me live and laugh and love in this infinitely amazing present moment.
Perhaps I can be mind-FULL of the incredible beauty that the world is filled with. If my mind is not yet open to all the infinite space the universe has available, Instead of being overrun by anxiety and schedules and obligations and timelines, I can sit back and breathe in the touch of the sun on my skin, the uninhibited laughter shared among friends, the sweetness of a kiss, the insane miracle of watching my nephew be born, the tickle of kitten whiskers, the heart beating in my chest every single moment of my indescribably incredible life.
Instead of filling my mind with American Dad and tequila and endless facebook posts about how "I'm so sick of xyz so now I'm making a post about xyz and becoming part of the fucking problem," I can fill my mind with all the wonderful things in this present moment of which I should truly be mindful of. Like how insanely gorgeous these images are, or how proud I could and would and should and shall be of my body, or the cool breeze coming in through my window because I live in ma'fucking Los Angeles and we can do that in January. I'll fill my mind with the light and beauty of friends and work and my drive for success and my intentions to love myself first.
I will work on those things every day,
and be a little better at it every day, or at least, less harsh to myself when I'm not. And I can always bring my mind back to the beauty of this Golden Hour, spent naked and unafraid in a large hay field in the spring, with endless clouds and the bluest sky and darling friends, and the freedom and desire to move my body the way I please, to create photos to share with the people of this world that I truly love.
How's that for mind-FULL mindfullness? Insert a bunch of other new-age hippie dippie crap here and know that you fucking rock.