Today started with my usual morning ritual since I read The Miracle Morning more than 200 days ago - Five minutes each of meditative silence, journaling, reading, affirming, and visualizing.
Yes, I am one of those. Or at least, I am trying to be.
Today's morning ritual was a little extra special though as it ended in tears after a particularly trying and long week, along with a sincere plea to the universe to send me help; To help me find the strength I know I have within me to be better and to work harder and to do the things I know I need to do in order to achieve the life that I want.
It would be completely accurate to say that I spent five minutes praying to God. It would also be completely accurate to say that my prayer was answered.
This is a bit premature perhaps, but I'd love to share with all of you, all of those that invest in me, all the ways that I have invested in myself over the highs and lows of this year.
Most of you know that this year had a rough start for yours truly - and I also believe most of you could completely sympathize with me there! A friend of mine stated that Ever Since Bowie Died , the Whole World Has Gone to Shit. It's hard not to feel the truth in that statement. Personally, I went through surgery, barely walked away from a rather traumatic car wreck, I went through a great deal of depression , and much like this morning,
I went through many moments of complete defeat. Through my tears I have continued to reach out and ask for help.
And every single time, help has been there.
I won a yoga retreat in Spain , I gofunded the trips expenses successfully and toured four countries in Europe, I created My Patreon, I visiting dozens of new states and cities including Hawaii , Boston , Texas , Louisiana, Florida and had another sponsored-international trip to The Bahamas where I made incredible images and outran a hurricane . I've had the incredible privilege of posing for hundreds of photographs and talented artists all over the world, and through it all I have grown closer with my friends, my family, and my fans.
Every day I have invested more and more time into myself and into my work.
As I write this I am currently snuggled up against the "winter chill" in my beautiful Hollywood Home (aka it's slightly rainy out), and I've got some crazy cocooning planned in my immediate future as I prepare to take on dozens of "personal" projects:
I've got two full-length screenplays I'll be writing, a top secret graphic novel project I can't say anything more about, I'm picking up my stand up more and more, I've got my #JNT 2016 ebook in the works to be released in January, plus a very special non-model related book, my first, that I'm excited to be sharing with the world, not to mention endless collaborations with dozens of photographers and designers as well as an upcoming 3D image series that I'll be bringing exclusively to My Patreon, and through it all about 4 years worth of backlog on youtube videos that I hope to edit here really, really soon.
It's been an overload of overwhelming-aversion. I'm determined, and I'm motivated, and I'm investing the shit outta my time, my funds, and my energy into My Health, Wealth, and Happiness...
Some recent roommate drama coupled with the audio version of "You are a Badass" playing through my car stereo on my way to/from The Fall Arizona Shootout, left me knowing that that room was meant for me. I'll be converting it into a sacred space, a quiet yoga/meditation/visualization room where I can further manifest all the above into fruition. I'm almost doubling my already semi-egregious rent here in LA for a space that I "don't need," but in my heart I know that I will be creating great things in there (plus an official guest room for my model friends - yay!).
I am investing in my healthy living and working space.
I also recently reached out to a counseling program, because I feel ready to invest my trust and faith in a therapist. My first time in a therapist's office I was 9 and it was against my will. It wasn't good. I've had other, much more pleasant experiences with therapy over the years, but I have been sincerely SO happy to not have the exhausting work of divulging all my darkest memories and tendencies to a stranger on my plate over the past four years. I know in my heart though, that if I'm going to go any steps further, the time is now. And being the super successful, college-grad and freelancer I am, I of course don't have health insurance. Therapy isn't cheap and often takes dozens of calls and appointments and bullshit to find someone up to the challenge that is my emotional baggage. I have asked my assistant to help me. He said he'd be happy to. I am ready, and I am taking a leap of faith; I know that that person is out there for me. I'm investing in my emotional health.
I'm also investing in my own image. After years of searching, I have found An Incredible Tattoo Artist who's work, schedule, and location line up perfectly with mine, and starting NOW I am beginning a crazy tattoo journey. It will be dozens of hours, hundreds of needles, and thousands of dollars. But I have a message I know that I am meant to carry, and I have finally found the man to help me with it. (This tattoo journey is in fact my next goal on my patreon - thank you for contributing towards the self-torture in the name of art!)
And today, after tears and the intentional release of my overwhelming sadness, my disappointment in myself, my guilt over all the ways I feel I have failed to meet my challenges head on, and my dismay to be finding myself in the same place, repeating the same mistakes that I have for years, for decades, for my whole life - I asked the universe for help, and the universe sent yet another life-changing self-investing opportunity.
And I took it.
After a referral from the one and only and insanely incredible Kristy Jessica aka Pure Rebel , I signed up to receive "Darren Daily " - a daily text and video message from Success magazine publisher Darren Hardy. I have thoroughly enjoyed these daily, educational, and motivational videos and exercises, and was excited to sign up for a free webinar of Darren's on increasing impact, influence, and productivity. And of course, just like every single one of the dozens of webinars and workshops I have participated in over the years, it ended with a sales pitch to join the speaker's program. That's usually right around when I leave, a few pages of notes in hand, mostly affirming knowledge I'm already aware of but always useful to hear in a new light.
Today was different. I had asked for help. And the universe had sent it.
"Discipline is a learned behavior" - Darren Hardy
Darren's full productivity course is twelve weeks of videos, audios, workbooks, plus six private coaching sessions. I know completely that the topics covered are ones that I desperately need in my own life, and I am ready to commit, I am ready to change, I am ready to invest in me.
The cost of the entire course was $995 dollars. My bank account had $1,095.
I know it was meant to be.
With all the above and more, I am taking a deep breath and falling backwards into my faith in myself, my work, and the universe, as well as all of you - my friends, fans, supporters, and "JNT investors." I am opening up my heart, my mind, and my art, and I know you will all be there to catch me.
I am excited and I am terrified.
Thank you for being here, thank you for being part of this journey, thank you for reading, commenting, and following me as I completely tear down my foundation as a small, blonde, human bean. I am learning to be happy, and for some of us that is a huge fucking deal. I am investing too much time, energy, and money in this to fail. I am asking for help, and time and time again help is there.
I thank you for all that you do, and if you aren't currently investing in yourself I hope you'll check out any of the links above. And if you'd like to further invest in me, Jin N Tonic, world-traveling actor/model/badass, I honestly need the help. I'm rebuilding my entire life, and I cannot do it without you.
Please check out My Patreon and contributing, especially with my "JNT's a HO-liday" goodies coming next month! Or consider a one time donation/gift/investment, whatever you'd like to call it, through My Paypal. I'm more than happy to send prints and good karma back (be sure to include your address). Or, if you would, please just help spread the message of Jin N Tonic! I'm just one little #whitegurlbootay out there trying to make a difference not only for myself, but for the world.
You all inspire me to be bigger and better every day, you challenge me to love myself, to grow as a person, and to close my eyes and Just Do It, Dammit. I'm investing in myself with everything I've got, and I'm beyond grateful to have you here cheering me on as I do.
All images are ©Wavepainters 2016